


Ten Problems with Being a Haifu

by SHINeeNAilee



Category: Magic Kaito, 名探偵コナン | Detective Conan | Case Closed
Genre: ( I think of him as quarter French but the half thing works better ), ( for this fanfic ), Gen, it's annoying to be a haifu, it's kin'a cracky but sadly more accurate than what I'd like, low-key using Seth's hc of Kuroba being half French from Chikage's side, taking from some of my own personal experiences and some from others, who knows how long this is going to be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 04:38:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5991925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SHINeeNAilee/pseuds/SHINeeNAilee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Exactly what it says on the tin. | Rated T for talk of...male parts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ten Problems with Being a Haifu

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TinyTantei (56leon)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/56leon/gifts).



Ten Problems with Being a Haifu

**1\. a. Someone asks you a question, but because you pause to think, they think you can't speak Japanese.**

Saguru was having quite the pleasant day: Kuroba had been stopped by Nakamori-chan before he could unleash his prank that caused him to cackle for three minutes straight ( simultaneously unnerving and entertaining the entire class, aside from Koizumi-san who remained as unflappable as always ), he had managed to get the highest exam score on all of his exams, and he had managed to get a really nice cup of authentic, British tea at a newly opened café. 

Deciding to savour the warm weather ( it was neither too hot nor too cold, the air was at a pleasant temperature, and there was a faint breeze that ran through ), he made the decision to walk back home from the café instead of asking Baaya to come pick him up. After all, it would rather be quite rude of him to make her leave the house when the café was only a fifteen minute and twenty-two second walk away, and Saguru was anything but rude ( no matter what Kuroba insinuated at times ). 

"Excuse me?" 

He paused from his thoughts as he stopped in place to look at an older gentleman. Salary man, but not that high up in the corporate ladder due to the quality of his suit. Judging by the smudge on the corner of his mouth, he had just gotten out of a café and ate something with a bunch of chocolate. His feet, however, were fidgeting in place, and his hand played with the watch on his left wrist. Late for some sort of meeting, then, and he had lost track of time while eating. 

When the stranger had sufficiently gotten Saguru's attention, he asked, "Do you know the way to Ekoda Market?" 

Saguru paused as he thought the directions over. Ekoda Market was not too far away from where they were, actually, but if he remembered correctly, it was exactly five blocks to the right after reaching the end of the road. Just as he opened his mouth to give the stranger the directions, the man seemed to look panicked, and he stuttered in poor, accented English, "Ah, s-sorry," before he started to walk away. 

"Ah, no, wait -- " he tried to say to no avail, as the stranger had already walked off. With a sigh and a shake of his head, Saguru walked back on home, wondering what was the matter with some of the people in Japan. 

**1\. b. Or, alternatively, someone asks you a question, but because you pause to think, they think you can't speak French.**

Paris was truly wonderful this time of the year, and Kaito didn't even mind the chill that nipped at his nose, pinking it up even as he buried half of his face into his scarf. It was cold, but it wasn't the sort that seeped into clothing, sucking the very heat out of his body. No, it was the sort of crisp chill that woke up a body, kept him alert and _alive_ , really. 

The sky was just starting to turn orange as the sun began to set, and the scenery was a painting, all warm colours and great lighting that sent shadows curving from the rustic buildings. If he could, he'd certainly sat down with an easel and paint the image in his head, but he needed to get to the hotel before it was too late at night. Otherwise, he might miss the crucial bit of timing that would work to his advantage ( in other words, he might not be back before his mother woke up and ate all of the food he ordered before he went out for a walk ). 

It had actually been by pure accident that both he and his mother were in Paris at the same time ( or, at least, that was what his mother had pretended; he assumed that since this was his first international heist, his mother would be a tad...worried for him. After all, Paris was much different from Japan ) right before a Kaitō Kid heist. Although, she did seem to be keeping tabs on him, considering that she had been asleep on his bed when Kaito had left the shower ( which had scared the crap out of him, but he was pretty sure that was par for the course with his mother ). 

"Sorry to bother you..." 

Startled out of his recollection from the voice, he glanced over his shoulder to see someone who undoubtedly was a tourist ( yet, judging from their fluent French, was probably from a different part of France entirely, considering the way they accented their words ). She fidgeted with the map in her hands, crinkling the plastic paper up, as she asked, "Could you direct me to the nearest train station?" 

Now, Kaito had a rather great mental map of Paris. It would, after all, come in handy for the heist, as he'd know shortcuts and landmarks that could get him to his rendezvous point if necessary. Still, even with his eidetic memory, he still had to calculate where exactly he was and remember the nearest train station ( although, why the person couldn't just get out her phone and google it, he had no idea ). Just as he remembered about the train station that was perhaps ten minutes away, the girl blushed as she stated in a rather fluent English accent, "I'm sorry to bother you!" 

He blinked in confusion as she walked off until her reason hit him over the head. He scowled as he rolled his eyes. _**People**_. 

**2\. "Your Japanese is really good!"**

Saguru could feel the polite smile on his face strain as the older client continued to talk on and on. He may be used to babbling clients, but they still were annoying, especially since the more time they wasted on pleasantries, the more time was wasted and evidence was eroded. If he had been prattling about something related to the case, Saguru would not have mind the rambling so much, but all he seemed to be talking about was his souvenirs from a whirlwind European tour that he had for his midlife crisis ( which wasn't exactly how _he_ phrased it, but that was what Saguru had observed from the man ). 

He interjected with the occasional 'yes' that were prevalent in Japanese conversation, and, finally, the client seemed to be finished with his bragging and posturing. 

"Wow, Saguru-kun, your Japanese is really good!" the client finished with, and Saguru could feel his eyebrow twitching. 

_**He hadn't even said anything more than his name and yes**_. 

"Thank you," he stated instead of unleashing his annoyance. "Now, if you wouldn't mind taking me to the crime scene?" 

**3\. "Can you speak a little bit of X language?"**

"You know French, right?" 

Kaito blinked as he turned around to see one of the girls in his class, Michi-san if he remembered correctly, standing next to his desk. He offered up a hesitant agreement, wondering just what she wanted. 

Her expression brightened and she asked, "Could you speak some French? I heard it was really romantic, and I wanted to know if it was true!" 

"Ah...sure?" he stated before continuing in French, "Is this what you wanted to hear?" 

Michi-san squealed in delight, clapping her hands enthusiastically, which was just...strange. "That sounded so romantic! Could you say something more?" 

By now, he was certain that Aoko was laughing at his plight, and he sent pleading eyes in her direction to save him, but, nope, she was apparently too busy being entertained by this. Damn it. 

**4\. Having weird expectations.**

Saguru was startled when the ball was thrown his way, and it was only due to his fast reflexes that the ball didn't end up smashing into his face. Holding out the ball gingerly from his abdomen, he wondered why the captain of the football team was smiling. 

"I was right, you are good at soccer!" he stated with a grin, jogging his way over to Saguru. 

Saguru blinked in surprise before shaking his head. "Ah, no, I'm not that great at sports; although, I don't really mind tennis." 

"Nonsense," the captain retorted, clapping Saguru on the back ( and Saguru had to hold back a flinch from having his personal space compromised ). "You're half British, right?" 

"...Yes?" Saguru responded, wondering where the captain was going with his train of thought. 

"That means that you have to be great at soccer!" he explained ( or, rather, not really explained ), before squeezing Saguru's shoulder, grabbing the ball from Saguru's hands, and starting to jog off. "Make sure to come to try-outs after school today! I'm certain you'll get on the team with your skills!" 

"But I'm not -- " It was too late, the captain had already ran off. Saguru sighed. 

**5\. Sizes.**

"Ne, Kuroba, you're half French, right?" 

Kaito had a pretty bad feeling about the question, but he politely turned around to face one of the other students, Morimoto-senpai, from the year above him.

"Yes, senpai?" he returned, his tone inflicting upward to show his confusion. 

"Does that mean you have a big dick?" asked Morimoto-senpai in complete seriousness to Kaito's horror. "I mean, white people are supposed to have pretty big dicks; although, not as much as black people, right? But, you never really hear about French people having big dicks: only Americans and black people." 

Kaito continued to look on in horror as Morimoto-senpai continued talking without needing any input from him, saying, "Then again, you're half Japanese, so maybe that does mean you have a small dick?" 

At the supposed end of his ranting, Morimoto-senpai started to look patient, as if waiting for an answer from Kaito, which was just. _**no**_. 

So, he leered instead and asked, "Are you trying to look at my dick, Morimoto-senpai? I'm flattered, but not really interested." 

As Morimoto-senpai flushed in embarrassment and stuttered, Kaito mentally clapped himself on the shoulder while rueing how damn idiotic people could be. 

**6\. Weird English.**

Saguru smiled politely at the cashier as he set his items onto the register. Baaya was busy taking care of his father, who had come down with a rather bad fever, so it was left to him to get the groceries for dinner that evening. Or, rather, get something from the connivence store nearby for dinner. Baaya had enough ingredients to make soup for his father, but not enough for dinner for the two of them, and so Baaya gave her permission for him to pick something up from the connivence store for the two of them. 

Which was rare. _Exceedingly_ rare. 

The cashier, a college student based on his age and his tired eyes, became nervous when Saguru put his items on the counter. He started scanning the items and placed them in a bag. When he was finished, Saguru read the amount of money on the screen and started taking out his wallet, but he paused when the cashier started speaking in heavily accented English. 

"Ano, th -- that is...one...one...one zero eight," the cashier stuttered. "Have...kaddo?" 

Saguru raised an eyebrow and looked at the total that read ¥1,108. 

"No, I don't have a card, but I do have money," he stated back in Japanese, placing the exact change on the tray for money. 

The cashier suddenly looked very excited at Saguru speaking Japanese. "Whoa! You can speak Japanese? That's so cool!" 

Saguru sighed and resolved never to come to this particular connivence store again. Or, perhaps, find out this person's schedule and never come back during their work hours. 

**7. "Are you Chinese?"**

Kaito was visiting his mother in Las Vegas during the winter holiday when school was out. It was pretty cold, much to his surprise and disappointment. He _had_ wanted to escape the cold weather, but at least he packed a bunch of winter clothes, so he hadn't complained too much. 

He was currently waiting in line for one of the many shows in Vegas, interested in one of the magic acts that were currently going on tour. He wanted to see what kind of tricks professional magicians were pulling in the American circuit, wondering if they were as good as his dad or the Hopper Magic Show. 

"Yo, dude!" stated one of the other guys waiting in line, and Kaito raised an eyebrow at him. High, from the state of his eyes ( _very_ red ) and smelt very heavily of smoke. "Are you Chinese?" 

Kaito rolled his eyes. There was no need to be polite with the guy being in such an elevated state. "No, Japanese." 

The guy's expression brightened. "No way! Do you know karate? Like that kid in the Karate Kid movie?" 

"No," returned Kaito, and he was thankful that the doors were starting to open. Hopefully, he'd be sitting _away_ from that guy. 

**8\. "Is that your natural hair colour?"**

Saguru sighed as he left the administrator's office, shutting the door as quietly as he could. He hadn't realised that the Japanese school system were so strict with hair dyeing; or, at least, strict enough that he would go through a thirty minute interrogation before any attempts of contacting his father. He supposed that dyeing hair blond was the trend now, he'd certainly seen it on billboards enough, but to kick up so much fuss within students? 

Some schools in Britain did the same, but not the ones he went to, so this was _certainly_ a new experience for him. 

As he walked down the hallways ( forty-two seconds away from his classroom ), he noticed with slight confusion about how the teachers were glaring at him. No, wait, not at him, but his _hair_. Thus, they were probably wondering if he had dyed his hair like the administration seemed to be, and he sighed inwardly. Honestly, he wondered if he should dye his hair black to escape the looks, but, no, he wasn't going to change just because of some stares. 

He entered the classroom, glad to see that Kuroba and Nakamori-chan were currently debating about something on the other side of the room and that neither of them had looked up at Saguru's arrival. He'd rather not have to deal with _another_ annoyance.

Saguru sat down in his chair, and, surprisingly, it was not too long until he was bothered ( thirty-three seconds ). 

"Hakuba-san, I was just wondering, what kind of dye do you use to get your hair that colour?" asked one of the girls ( Michi-san ), reaching out to grab a lock of his hair. Surprised by the gesture and by the question, he didn't move out of the way in time, so she did manage to grab a lock of his hair. 

"Yeah, that's such a great colour," chimed her friend ( No-san ), sitting on the edge of Saguru's desk in such a way he felt boxed in. Judging from the snickers coming from the other side of the classroom, he was certain that his facial expression had to be hilarious. 

He put on a polite smile as he firmly stated, "Ah, this is my natural hair colour." 

"Eh?!" cried both of the girls, and they both moved closer to look at the roots of his hair. 

"Uwa, I'm jealous," stated Michi-san with a slight pout, thankfully and finally letting go of his hair. 

All three of them startled by the sound of the bell, and Saguru was gratified to see them return to their desks. What was the American phrase? Ah, yes, saved by the bell.

**9. Questions. Bunch of questions.**

Another day, another classmate harassing him with a bunch of questions. Honestly, Kaito wondered if he should just grab a megaphone and blast the answers to the questions he normally got when people found out he was a 'haifu', but some idiots would still ask him questions. 

At this rate, he should just put in coloured contacts and pretend he was a full-Japanese person rather than keep his blue eyes because this was getting _very_ annoying. 

Sadly, idiots can't seem to realise that he is getting annoyed, and so he asked his questions, and Kaito gave short, clipped responses: 

"You're a haifu?"

"Yes." 

"Which parent is Japanese?"

"My father." 

"Are you American?"

"No. Half-French." 

"Can you speak French?"

"Fluently." 

"Are your blue eyes real?" 

"Yes." 

"Can you eat natto?" 

"Yes." 

"Which country do you like better: France or Japan?" 

"Either."

"Can you say something in French?"

"Fuck off." 

"Whoa, that's so cool!" 

Kaito sighed. 

**10\. "Would you prefer a fork?"**

Saguru felt a touch of a grin come to the edge of his mouth. Nakamori-chan had suggested this ramen place that was in Beika, and he was finally able to get there due to a case ending in a quick amount of time ( an hour, twenty-eight minutes, and fifteen seconds ). It was so rare that he was allowed to indulge eating in restaurants, especially ramen ones, since Baaya tended to scold him for not coming home to eat dinner, but Baaya was out and taking care of her sister, which meant that he was allowed to spoil himself a tad. 

The ramen, still very hot judging from the steam rising from the bowl, was placed in front of him, and he grabbed a pair of chopsticks on the counter next to him. He was about to state the traditional 'Itadakimasu!' before he noticed one of the workers looking at him with shock and worry before walking over. 

"Sorry, I completely forgot, do you want a fork?" 

Saguru paused as his mind tried to catch up ( why would he need a fork to eat ramen? ), but apparently the worker took that to mean 'yes' for he immediately walked away and came back a few moments later with a fork in hand. The worker bowed to Saguru as he handed over the fork, which Saguru took with an inward sigh. 

"I'm so sorry! Please enjoy your meal," the worker stated before moving to the next table, and Saguru sighed, this time out loud. 

" _Itadakimasu_ ," he muttered, taking apart the wooden chopsticks and leaving the fork on the counter. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I've dealt with at least half of the items on the list, and I've also dealt with a few others that didn't make it on ( I personally don't headcanon Saguru liking natto or spicy food in the way that I love durian bubble tea or prahok ). I blame Seth for this fanfiction. 
> 
> Not beta'd. Nor britpicked. Nor japricked. 
> 
> Also, never wrote Saguru before, so this was an experience.


End file.
